I don’t even know how to explain or justify how my brain functions. Every week I suspect more and more that I have ADHD or something like it or something that exhibits similar symptoms. I’m terrified of going to a doctor to find out for sure, but I’m only mildly apprehensive writing about it here and I’m more embarrassed that this is how my brain functions. Especially after realizing now that this isn’t how everyone’s brain works.
“Oh you don’t have that.”
No one tells me this. I say it to myself.
“You have your stuff together so well. You’re never late, you’re organized, and you really seem to have your shit together.”
I think the important part of this is “really seem to.” The reason I’m seldom late isn’t because I’ve got my act together or because I’m functioning like a well-timed machine. It’s because I’ve been dressed, packed, and ready to walk out the door for the 6 pm engagement since before noon. The only reason I didn’t show up at 5 pm is that I recognize that would be weird, and it would give me away.
“What are you afraid of?”
Well, if it’s true and the coping mechanisms I have, which barely keep me housed and fed, are all that I have, that is an extremely depressing thought. I don’t know if I can make it another year in my chosen profession with the way things are going. If it’s not true, then it’s all in my head (so to speak), and I’m just an adult that can’t actually get his shit together. Another very depressing thought.
“Have you tried just being happy?”
Take that big stinking pile of toxic positivity and fuck all the way off the planet. This hasn’t ever been a case of “just needing to snap out of it.”
Alright, this post is just becoming depressing, and if I don’t stop and just publish it now, I’ll delete it and then hate myself for doing that. I don’t think I’m looking for insight, hell, I don’t know what the hell the purpose of this is. Maybe I just want to feel seen or heard, but the excruciating downside is that in order for that to happen, you have to publish something vulnerable like this.
Hi Pete, thank you for sharing. You’re seen and heard, and you’re not alone. Please be kind to yourself and I hope you find a way that works for you.
I’m constantly searching for ways to help me and I’m constantly trying new things. My toolkit is growing but this is still a constant struggle for me.